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Poetry
November 14, 2008
Some dates are coming
Really close
And they bring about
Terror and unease
In the body…the head is achy and the thoughts are unclear
How can I get through this day
And the ones to come?
I know not what is happening, and yet
I live it in my daily struggles
Oblivious to what is next
And what will soon release in entirety
Leaving me with the
Knowledge of that which
I wish
I had never known.
June 27, 2008
Unconscious
What is it that lies beneath the waves of knowing
The layers of life that journey us to
The past wastelands of garage out
And un knowledge of crises and turmoil
The depths of our being are hidden in the
Underground layers of
The richness of treasures from which we hide
Soon to be unleashed
In the despair of our being
And joy of our knowing
Self ownership and authenticity are the prizes
That come from this search
For true understanding and the whole of self
And what we may become
And who we truly are.
December 21, 2007
Life is that experience that takes us
From the known to the unknown
From the experience
To the understanding
That life is
More than we could ever have thought
It was
I invite all to participate
In the being of understanding
And in the knowing
Of who we truly are!
June 5, 2007 (Submitted to AAP for newsletter request)
All That I Was Meant to Be
I alone know the life that I was meant to live
I know the author and creator of my existence
And yet, I am not he
I am the creation of an experimental mind
A mind that takes a stand and tries to eliminate
The solitude quiet that I work so hard to create
I am more than I thought I was
In body mind and soul
I am the subordinate of an active polarity
Of never giving me a chance to be
More than I thought I was
And, I am even more than that
For lifetimes I have eked my way
Into elaborate forms and costumes
Into the illusion of being
All there is
And I have taken my cues from those around me
Who also thought
That they were creation in totality
When in truth, they were only a small part
All that I am trying to say, in wordy attributes
Is that I am body mind and soul
And I am truly much more than that
As I fight with my selves each day
And suggest they take a vacation from bossing me around
I am again reminded that, as the creator, I must orchestrate
All that is
And, in doing so, I may eventually become
All that I am meant to be.
December 2, 2006 (For submission to a survey on sexual abuse)
I HAVE BEEN ABUSED
A torn soul with nowhere to go
Victimized again
Ravaged in body
By the hormonal dick of a useless man
My women self given over
Forced into submission
My higher self screams out in anguish
Drowned out by the chitter chatter
Of mind trying to hide feelings
Emanating from the child self
Not again, oh, here we go again, one more time
Laid back into the one who
Accepts without question
Hurts without voice
Allows without seeing
Or hearing, or being seen
Alone in torment
With no place to go
Except within
I will hide... forever.
January 23, 2006 (For submission to a survey on sexual abuse)
Today's World
The world is awash
In anguish and despair
And I... choose to be with
The flowers and the butterflies
People killing people
And other living life forms
And placing them in their bellies
Preferring ignorance to insanity
And I... choose to stay with
That most eluding topic of love
And caring and compassion
And world consciousness
I prefer to know what I am doing
And to take responsibility for every step
I take on the Earth Gaia
N’takwe’asan... all my relations as One.
I have a need to ignore the world at large
And pretend that evil and injustice and ingratitude
That are so prevalent in today’s unconsciousness of people
That act and react without knowing why, does not exist
And... I am in the pain of the world
For while I can pretend the not knowing, I am still
A living entity…connected to the ALL
And experiencing... the anger, and the violence, and the rage of people
Who are only looking for lost love and caring..and
I can not heal the all... for I am just one
Of the Many.
I thought maybe I had dreamt the whole thing
And found that the memories continued to flow
From beginning to end, the memories continued
To course through my body, reminding me, enticing me,
Controlling all that I had thought was truly me
And it wasn't, and it influenced
Who I thought I was.
December 13, 2005
ONE
You ask me to write
Of my pain and deep sorrow
Living within that
Which used to be me
I am no longer
For the pain of the past has stripped me bare
Of the feelings and knowing that were
My birthright
I wonder, sometimes, who I am
And can get no farther
Than my name
And the name of those
That took away my being
And raped me of
My existence
Mother, sweet mother
Who cradled me not
And held me only to hurt
That which came from her loins
And gave me with dead pan eyes
To those that were invested
In my demise
Father, sweet father
Who I remember not
Except for that fate filled day
When given away
At the sweet, tender age
Of 6 weeks
And split me into the many
That have come back to tell me of
My truth
What can one do when they have never had
The closeness of a mother, or a father, or of any
That love that which was to be, and is, instead
Dead inside
Finding the way
Out of the tunnel labyrinth
Created
For life
Many... is not... ONE.
October 6, 2005
And all is not lost
For the truth is still to be known
Wherever we go, we touch others
And others touch us
And learn the truth, the reality of life
Our lives were taken away from us
Made raw by the use of torture
And we will never be
The same...
And, perhaps, in our telling
Others will be saved
From the same fate
For no one should ever have to go through
What we were made to endure
And no one should ever know
The beast that lives within man
Which was my life
And continues to haunt my existence
This MUST be stopped…stopped dead in its tracks
And made to be
No more!!!!!!!!
And then, and only then, will I be able to rest
And heal
In my
Solitude.
October 2, 2005
Amazing how quickly life can change
And then it's over
And we move on to stiller waters
And the embrace of a new challenge
The voices are still
The children are all gone
To where they can grow
Into all that they are meant to be
Life, before, was a vacuum of pain
And the not knowing that comes
From inner healing and holding
Of life's true patterns
If I was to speak to anything
It would be to the ability that we have
As humans, to heal from the Inside
To reach into the depths of our being
And attempt to understand
What life is all about
And I know, that I have no answers
And I continue to breathe
In this world of dark knowing
Within the temptress of light
And I hope someday to reach that place
Where 'life's true longing' meets 'all there is'
And knows
That it has found it's way.
August 29, 2004
Sadness
Deep, unpretentious sadness
Heart wrenching sadness
Painful, wanting to die, grieving sadness
Tearing at me
Reaching out to me
Reminding me
Of what?
Sadness
Touching every recess of my being
Non explainable
And yet so palpable
That it's hard to breath
Sadness
Deep sadness
Rendering me unable to live
Unwilling to continue in this lifetime
Screaming to me from the rafters
Sadness
August 28, 2004
Soul pain
That is what I am feeling
As I look within
To the depths of my being
I feel pain
Deep, solid pain
That feels like
It will continue on
Through out eternity
Pain
Deep, empty pain
That tugs at my heartstrings
And makes me vulnerable
To anything
And
Everything
Pain, sorrow, love lost
Healing holding
Never had
In this lifetime
Of pain and sorrow
Help me, she calls out
Again, and again
Looking for someone
To hold her hand
And
Wipe away
Her tears
And no one
Was
Every there
Until now
I feel her pain
I experience her anguish
And joylessness
And anger
And hatred
And despair
I feel to the depths of my being
The sorrow
That felt
Like death
And I allow the pain
Compassion
All I want to do is sit and cry
I feel the pain in every pore of my body
I feel the aches in my muscles
In my bones
Through out my being
I want to embrace the pain that was carried
For so long, by one who was
So small
I want her to know that she is no longer alone
That I will continue to be there for her
No matter what she tells me
Or ..no matter what is known, or unknown
Dear Child,
You are SO wanted, and loved
Without you...I am nothing
Please, know this
I will not abandon you
Or leave you, to rot in the hell that was
Your life
It is time for me to end this existence
That was not life
That held no meaning
That was
Pain, and
Sorrow, and
Empty
Devoid of meaning
No longer can they reach you
For ...I am with you
Forever more.
Pain, pain, pain
That is all I know
I have never lived
Without this pain
What can life be
Without pain
I have no knowledge of this
Only know the pain
That wraps itself around
Every tendril of my being
And has been with me
Forever
Pain, pain, pain
Is there a child that is named
Pain?
Or is this a feeling that I have carried with me
Hidden away in the deepest recesses of my being
Only to come out
When strength has returned?
Pain, pain, pain
And emptiness
Life devoid of meaning
That is where
I am
Now.
July 19, 2004
I sit in a swarm of integrity
Not knowing the who or the what
Of the self
I am lost in a sea of not knowing
Of swimming at depths
That reach beneath
And pull me under
I gasp..never knowing what will be revealed
And what will be left behind
In the not knowing of the
Yesteryear
I, too, long to know the truth
And yet, the fear of the knowing
Can loom before the mass
Of the not
And I get lost so easily
Seeking direction into the present
Knowing of tomorrow
I cry out
And at last
I am heard
The calls of the past are so present
In the pain of tomorrow
I am lost, seeking knowing, and not getting
Known
I am integral in the coming together of the parts of the past
And I love myself
Again
there is a child that prefers
to remain anonymous
she hides within the realms
of yesterday
and seeks not tomorrow
for she is one of many
that come and go
and seek asylum
in my breast
December 22, 2003 (presented at the UN forum on Abuse and Mind Control)
I Wonder
I wonder what it could have been like
If I had had a real
Mother and Father
In a small house, with picket fence, and dog, and happy memories
But I didn't
And
I wonder what it could have been like
If I had known who I was
Before that was taken away from me
And I was forced to become many in order to try to live a normal life
But I didn't
And
I wonder how things could have been
If I hadn't been turned over to the cult
And made to do, and see, and be
Atrocities and death and sex and rituals and chants
And maybe......just maybe
If I had been allowed to grow up
With trust and caring and love
Then maybe.....just maybe
I would understand what it means
To be human.
December 22, 2003 (presented at the UN forum on Abuse and Mind Control)
Life, As We Know It
Life, as we know it
Began
Only a few short years ago
Before that
There was only us
A multiple of us' that lived
Inside
It was the light that held us together
And it was with light
That they tried to break us apart
Into so many pieces
So we couldn't tell
Bright lights
Flashing lights
Intermittent bulging fat lights
That came in through my eyes
And ate
All the way through
To my spirit
And kept me separate from all
The other parts of myself
And
As if that wasn't enough
They gave needles
Filled with the stuff that was
Hot when it went in
And turned me cold
From the inside out
Medicine they said
That took away any feeling
Or movement of the body
And made me lay still
So they could do
Whatever they wanted
And all I could do
Was yell
In silence
And
Disappear
December 22, 2003 (presented at the UN forum on Abuse and Mind Control)
Out of No Where
Sadness
And knowing
That my world was not right
So long ago
And still
Can not right it's self
Today
And I cry
Bloody, sweat filled tears
For what I have missed
That others had
And took for granted
Voices
Filling my world
Inside and outside
Chanting
Noise
And a pain that never goes away
Deep within
In a place that even I
Don't know
Worlds
Held by others
That were once
A part of me
Speaking
Calling
Hoping that one day I will come out of hiding
And find
That they are still there
I used to walk to school
With snow water feet
And bone chilling cold
That I never felt
For I was
Body Never
Locked away in a prison
Of my own making
And protection from those that should have
Protected me
And so you ask
What is truth
And what is not
And I am probably the last one that can
Answer that
For I am lost
In a swirling, whirling world
That does not exist
For I am held captive in a cloud
And I
And I
And I
Have found no way to come out
It is important that you understand
That what is
Is not of our creation
But of our creativity
For without the ability
The thoughtfulness
The skill of dissociation
We would not be
For that which happened to so many of us
Would have killed
If it was held by one
So listen to me, and listen carefully
The truth is
And can not be taken away
Not by your noise
Or your contemplation
Or your disbelief
And those who abused
Will never rest, for they hold the secret of the truth
And for them
Rest will NEVER come.
Signed: all of US
September 3, 2003
I am:
whole, complete, never ending, healer, healed, health personified, angel, angelic, crucified, crucifier, mother, sister, wife, friend, lover, extortionist, contortionist, ever lasting, exonerated, classy, draggy, drunk stupor, clarity, divinity, breathless, breathing, anger, pain, endless torture, always present, always magnificence, always true, always home, gentle, nice helpful, bitch, witch, pimp, prostitute, whore, triumphant, caring, perpetual student/teacher, traveler, journeyer, longer/longing for, exuberant, hopeful, laughter and love, woman personified ..all that ..and much more!!
As all and nothing
I walk the Earth
On the two feet of knowing
The World is my oyster
And I smile with the triumph
Of life
I ponder on existence
And cherish the death
Of my being
I am the all and nothing
Of life's longing
For completion
I am roles and rules and outgoing energy
That write my past
And play with my future
I am freedom and tolerance and love for eternity
I am here-present
In the now
And longing for the
Truth of tomorrow
I am all that I am meant to be
I am
Me
Life's longing for itself
Brings me ever closer
To the self knowledge
Of One
And I hold that truth
Present and past
In stasis
And flux of change
I am here-and I am no more
As I rise and fall
Through the doorway
Of life
More than yesterday
Less than tomorrow
I am
All that was is no more
I am walking along a pre-set path
With choice of change
I dissolve and re appear
In newness and wonder
Never the same
And embracing the All
I am here
In all my splendour and joy
I am birth and death
And evermore
Present-to life
Wholeness leads me to the understanding
Of what I am not
In my ineptitude I have found
The recesses of my being
Crying to be held
To be heard
In the ever knowing light
Of existence
Deep within-the knocking of experience
Reaches out
To grab the attention
Of learned oneness
And I hold my breathe
As my being reaches out
And I step in
To life
Longing, holding, stretching
My being
Into that which I am sure
To become
Holding my breathe
For that time
When I will know
The wonder of wholeness
I am-that which is
The Thunder of all being
Of all knowledge
Of all wholeness
I am that-in its splendour
And in the being
I am- no more
August 15, 2003
Love
Is the very essence
Of our being
Carrying us forward
Into the light of understanding
And true self knowledge
Without love, we are nothing
Without caring, we do not exist
Without hope, we are strewn
In the grungy waters
Of life's
True aspirations
Hopelessly thrown about
In the waves of never
And pounded on the sea
Of nowhere
I, for one
Will take love
With all its glory
And trials and tribulations
And
Hold it dearly
With
Love
August 6, 2003
Finding the self is said to be
The ultimate experience
Of living...alone
And needing
No one
Doesn't make sense
To me
How can I
Become We
Life has no meaning
When there is no one
To share it with
How can one go on
In the aloneness
The emptiness
Of being
Al-one
How does one survive
The living with others
When one has
No-one
August 6, 2003
There is no God
There is no higher self
There is no I
Just me
In all my eternal agony
And lifeless traversing
Of the life plan
I am nowhere
And nothing
I wander aimlessly
Trying to find reason
Or rhyme
Or purpose
To my being
And it doesn't exist
Why, therefore, am I here?
And who am I?
I hold myself in high esteem
And I am nothing
I ponder in the moment
And find
That I am not
And I am
The observer of life's longing for itself
I have been created
And continue to create
From life's longing
And that purpose
Seems to sustain
My inner knowing
Of what is real and what isn't
I am whole
And I am not
Polarities of sorts
That create and destroy
The All
That is
Me
No date
Can you hear me crying
Voices from my heart are crying
Can you hear them
I am the product
Of a long ago time
I am the result
Of others experiences
I hold the memories
Deep within my being
I hold the pain, the hurts
The exhaustion, of holding it all in
I am the child, the chosen one
Who was exploited, for the sake of adult needs
I am the brave, creative one,
Who learned to hide inside
Don't want to hurt my mother
Don't want to hurt my father
Don't want to be the one
To rat on those
That are supposed to love me
But deep within
Somewhere deep inside
Someone knows
That I am not alone
In my knowing
Someone, deep inside
Is holding my secrets
Of my yesteryears
And someday
Someone, out there, will know
Too!
No date
Alone I sit in the shadows
Of yesteryears follies
Alone in the shatters, that were to be
A tranquil, elegant life
Not to be
I sit, instead, in demeanour
In chaos, in disharmony, in lovelessness
In anguish, for what will never be
From deep within I hear the calling
Of child parts, long dead, saying
Honour us, for we have endured
What no soul should ever have to
Endure
Our pain is like no other
Our silent screams ring out
Unheard, in the silent distance
Hear us
For we that have lived
Want our cries to be heard
I, alone in my pain, know the anguish
Of child abuse
The neverending cries
Of the child parts
As they are
Over and over again
Abused
As they were
In
The
Past
There is no end to this pain
It clamours in my brain
It ranquors in my cells
It call to me
On a daily basis
A reminder of my
Non purity
My used-up-ness
My self-projecting
Hell of a life
That began
Long before
I knew
Who
I was
Meant
To
Be
And so I plod along each day
In a neverending reminder
Of memories that are forthcoming
At any time of the day or night
And I tremble at the indecency
Of the inside out knowing
And I pray
That one day
I will be able
To taste
The sweet nectar
Of life's
True longing
For
It's
Self
November 15, 2002
Rage tears at the gut
Creating a hole through which the bile of life can pass
No longer content to remain asleep
The child of rage expresses her annoyance
Her anger, her deep rage
At the world and all that is attached to it
She trusts no one, cares about no one
Believes not in the understanding of any one
Tormented by the past, she cringes in her haste
To make the pain go away
And she can not
She feels the raging gut burrow into her soul
And, in trying to protect herself
She looses that which is most precious
Her Self
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Tri-Therapy(Body, Mind, Soul)